Cheers, All The Best

by Lardpony

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Our last set of recordings, done in May and June 2013 at the Snug Recording Co, plus some bits at Tom's opulent Matlock penthouse.


released November 18, 2013

Lyrics by Tom Morton, music by Lardpony.

Vocals, Guitar, Keyboard: Tom Morton
Keyboard, Vocals: Swap Chilka
Bass, Trains: Nathan Wilson
Drums, Planes: Kristian Podhorodecki
Cat: Henry

Recording: Rich Collins and Robbie Newman

Artwork: Alexander Hale


all rights reserved



Lardpony UK

Derbyshire indiepop band. Mostly defunct.

Tom - vocals, guitar
The Nathan - bass, thought
Pod - drums
Swap - keyboards, vocals

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Track Name: Temporary Tattoo
you question my commitment, I dismiss it with a shrug
can you not feel the emotion in my fortnightly hug?
am I not attentive, do I not smile and nod?
I have to say, I find your uncertainty odd!

there so many questions
with my conscience I am wrestling
but if I don't love you
then why did I get this temporary tattoo?

is a delivery of flowers, every month, rain or shine
not enough to prove that I like you just fine?
I will raise the valleys and prolong the peaks
with ink on my skin that lasts up to six weeks

what more can I do?
I'm so in love with you
so to prove you're special
I've stenciled your initials
on my aaaaaaaaaarm
Track Name: Secretary of a Terrorist
sir, there's no time for a holiday
we need to scout for locations
we need the perfect time and place
for maximum devastation
you've got a busy calendar
I'm having to turn people away
you've got meetings scheduled for the rest of the week
and you're blowing yourself up on saturday

when I joined the agency
I said yes to admin
but I never thought I'd work
for a certified madman
when I asked for a temp job
I never planned for this
I'm the secretary
of a terrorist

sir, I'm doing my best here
to keep all your appointments in order
but it's taking all my organisational skill
to get explosives over the border
I'm being paid
cash in hand
not to divulge
the things you planned
I feel I should quit
before it's too late
but the overtime
is fucking great
Track Name: Down With The Ship
rumours pass from mouth to mouth in this coastal town
they say there's something in the ocean dragging our ships down
they say that boats going out have not been returning
although the lighthouse keeper keeps his fire burning
the fleet is depleted, so supplies run low
wives run out to the harbour begging husbands not to go
people lose their scruples, turn to contraband
and every morning they find more blood on the sand

sharpen your cutlass, test your guns
you're married to the ocean from now on
arm the cannons, and load the horses
when this ship goes down, it won't be natural causes

as the ship sails south, the mood is defiant
the crew long for a chance to take down a giant
the timbers are sturdy and the men are tough
but if the air is still, why is the water so rough?

though the water roars, there's no wind today
the sail fails to flutter, no chance to get away
as a dozen massive tentacles emerge from the waves
it looks like this crew is headed for a watery grave
harpoons do nothing, cannons don't impress
no amount of gunpowder can free us from this mess
take the lifeboats, cross your fingers, this will be our last trip
what kind of captain doesn't go down with his ship?
Track Name: Hearts & Crafts
nothing makes my heart flutter and stop
like a couple of hours in a stationery shop
and nothing on earth makes me feel finer
than the chance to purchase a new fineliner
when I leave at the end
with a bag full of pens
some glue, some stencils
and a mechanical pencil
I know I'll be back
for a pack of blu-tack
some paint, blue and green
and a guillotine

I'll create some art and win your heart
(scissors and glue will endear me to you)
I'll make you a card and win your heart
these coloured letters make everything better

nothing makes my heart swell up so large
as collecting materials for a collage
and there's no finer thing to inspire the creator
than the possibility in a stack of blank paper
when I walk out the door
having emptied the store
of glitter and sketchbooks
I can't believe my luck
when I finally get home
I call you on the phone
and explain my ideas
for this pack of pipe-cleaners
Track Name: Flipside
I will point out the upside
to your unfortunate state
yes, you've got no energy
but tomorrow you can sleep late!
and you've got no money
which irks you greatly!
but you've picked up a load
of cool stuff lately

baby, you're a frowner
queen of the furrowed brow
yes you are a downer!
and it must stop... now!
I will find the expression
that will lift you from depression
let me check my files
for something that will make you smile

if the cat stopped you sleeping
by purring in your face
at least he makes up for it
by being generally ace
and if last night's dinner
left you feeling nauseous
at least when we ate it
it was delicious

I will be your flipside
the optimism you lack
because I know
that opposites attract!
Track Name: Face Like an Android
she's got a face like an android so how should I know what she is feeling?
she's got a face like an android, what emotions is she concealing?
she says the heart that beats inside her chest
is just the same as all the rest
but she's got a face like an android so how should I know?

she says she's having a good time, but I remain a skeptic
she blinks every twelve seconds, her tears are antiseptic
her hair is always perfect, though she never stops to groom
does her pulse even quicken when I enter the room?

she's got a photographic memory; no indiscretion escapes
it's like she backs it all up on a succession of tapes
but I won't ask questions... I'll let the truth slide
android or not, I'm happy when she's by my side

she never frowns, she never smiles
I swear I hear her brain hum when she's accessing her files
is she human? is she machine?
I caught her using my computer without turning on the screen
Track Name: You've Got The Antidote
When you made me a sandwich
I’ll admit I was quite pleased
Branston pickle
And a thick wedge of cheese
But the secret ingredient
the twist to yout recipe
Is now flooding through my veins
And you’ve decided to flee

I know we’ve fallen out
But I’m leaving you a note
Begging you to get in touch
‘cos you’ve got the antidote
And if I called you a moron
Then I feel I was provoked
Please drop me a line
Because you’ve got the antidote

My hands are swollen
And my face is turning green
There’s a stabbing pain
in the region of my spleen
I’ve lost my hearing
And my sense of smell
Overall, I’d say I’m feeling
Rather unwell

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