The Greatest Invention Ever

by Lardpony

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02:49
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02:19
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02:19
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04:37
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02:17
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03:29
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about

Originally released on Cowboy Democracy recordings, April 2007.

credits

released April 16, 2007

Tom Morton: Vocals, Guitar, Keyboard, Programming
Nathan Wilson: Bass
Mandy McKirdy: Keyboards
Kristian Podhorodecki: Drums

Artwork by Raz Webster

Recorded at Snug Recording Co: www.snugrecording.com
Additional recording at Tom's house.
Mixed and mastered by Robin Newman.
Tracks 12 - 20: Recorded and mastered at home by Tom.

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Lardpony UK

Derbyshire indiepop band. We're almost ten years old, but we had a bit of time off, so you can pretend we're "fresh" and "hip", if you like. We've been on Sky News!

Tom - vocals, guitar
The Nathan - bass, thought
Pod - drums
Swap - keyboards, vocals
... more

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Track Name: Teenwolf
it's a full moon tonight, and I feel the hair on my skin growing thicker
I try to fight the feeling but my heart just keeps beating quicker
will I end up roaming the streets, and breaking my vow?
because I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright now

as the night wears on, I shut myself indoors and hope
that these locks and chains can restrain the strength of this lycanthrope
will I manage to escape my bonds, and go out on the prowl?
because I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright now

as the arises, I feel myself return to health
but I carry a gun full of silver bullets to turn on myself
if it all gets too much for my conscience to allow...
because I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright now
I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright now
Track Name: Trance Anthem
I met a girl, and her eyes shone
I became convinced she was the one
my hopes were high, but it manifested
that she simply was not interested
I didn't let myself get downhearted
I went to the library, and got started
I learned answer to every question
and the power of suggestion

I gazed at her and repeated some well rehearsed lines
her eyes clouded over, and now she's mine
I know this isn't love, this is hypnosis
but I can't figure out how to reverse the process

now our relationship is the best
but I feel slightly guilty nonetheless
I know I've got her under false pretenses
but she should have kept up her psychic defenses
I'm a bad person, I know I've trapped her
I wish I'd read the final chapter
so I went back to see what I'd missed
I saw the librarian, and couldn't resist...

I gazed at her and repeated some well rehearsed lines
her eyes clouded over, and now she's mine
I know this isn't love, this is hypnosis
but I can't figure out how to reverse the process

so now there are two; I must keep them apart
I control their minds but not their hearts
their paths finally crossed, we were watching a band..
I lost them both when I clapped my hands
how was I to know the spell wouldn't linger
if I started to applaud or clicked my fingers?
so I learned my lesson, and I started to cry
until the lead singer caught my eye...

I gazed at her and repeated some well rehearsed lines
her eyes clouded over, and now she's mine
I know this isn't love, this is hypnosis
but I can't figure out how to reverse the process
Track Name: Memory Man
He's a memory man
Trying as hard as he can to fill his brain with notes
But he finds the surprise is, no matter how hard he revises
He forgets all he wrote...

Say what you want to say, he won't remember anyway
His memories just fade away, he can't recall the notes to play
Say what you want to say, he won't remember anyway
What goes on in the head of the memory man?
Track Name: TV Song
Camera two, camera one.
Do you revolve around the TV like Earth spins around the sun?
You say you see things differently,
Is that because you see things through a 28-inch screen.

Camera three, camera four.
You fall asleep watching repeats and then you wake for more?
There's a film you'd like me to see
You've committed all the dialogue to memory.

Camera four, camera five.
If this is all you get from life, are you really alive?
Where's your energy? Where's your ambition?
Is getting off the sofa an impossible mission?

Camera six, camera seven.
Is a day of television your idea of heaven?
I'll have to disagree...
It's not even worth the licence fee.

Camera one, channel one.
Camera two, channel two.
Camera three, channel three.
Camera four, channel four.
Camera five, channel five.
Camera six, channel six.
Camera seven, channel seven.
Camera hate.
Track Name: Yesterday's Technology
I made her out of yesterday's technology, stuff that didn't pass the test
her heart oscillated wildly, until it burst out of her chest
her eyes were valves and LEDs, but they were slightly faulty
I never got to hold her hand, let alone anything more naughty

she fell apart so slowly
I didn't see what was going on
until it was too late
they said it was unholy
they didn't know I loved her so
until it was too late

I followed all the diagrams, though they were complicated
I had to substitute some parts when others disintegrated
I had to do it on my own; I could accept no assistance
I calculated all the voltages, but I forgot about resistance

she fell apart so slowly
I didn't see what was going on
until it was too late
they said it was unholy
they didn't know I loved her so
until it was too late

and on and on and on, automaton
Track Name: The Gog
I met a girl, I liked her face
I added her to my myspace
she said she didn't like my shoes
I cried into my rucksack

I liked the badges that she wore
she shared my taste in emocore
I bought a brand new cardigan
but it was not enough

and though this love was not requited
I remember feeling quite excited
when I bumped into her in a record shop
and helped her pick up the CDs she'd dropped
and though we both wore eyeliner
and we both dressed in black
I made 100 mixtapes...
...she never made one back
Track Name: To The Power of Love
you say that you love maths, well I predicted it
when you tried to join the dots and drew a line of best fit
you think in hexadecimal, which starts to explain why
you put two and two together and got pi (3.14159)
I've tried to use a compass to draw rings around your heart
but you expressed the probability on a series of charts
if I understand correctly, what you're trying to say
is "no way, no way, no way".

don't need to be good looking, don't need to be brave
just need a calculator to ride this sine wave
"rearrange your heart into the formula above"
y = n... to the power of love

I surround myself with textbooks in an attempt to appeal
because I am so integer, you must know how I feel
and if you show even a fraction of the feelings I display
an array of sunshine will light up my day
you say you'll never be the relationship kind
but with calculus and algebra I hope to change your mind
and as I wait counting prime numbers, the initial seeds are sowed
with love notes written in binary code

don't need to be good looking, don't need to be brave
just need a calculator to ride this sine wave
"rearrange your heart into the formula above"
y = n... to the power of love
Track Name: Who Loves The Sol?
feeling under the weather's no joke when the weather's this bad
and I'm wondering whether I can blame the weather for making me feel so sad
the hibernating instinct is kicking in
no matter how early I go to bed I still feel like sleeping in
when morning is broken you've got to be joking
if alarm bells are starting to toll
and it's hardly surprising the sun isn't rising
cos who... loves... the... sol? (we do)

when the sun creeps back into the sky
I will open my eyes, and my window
to let in the light and so
I will forget how the freezing and wet
winter season will return like it does every year.

waking up when the morning's still dark is a horrible thing
I can't wait for winter to die and make way for the rejuvenation of spring
until then the spring in my step has been neutralised
if this season's the reason for these unfair moodswings then I wouldn't be surprised
the world feels so dead and I'm shaking my head
as darkness is starting to fall
in the premature gloom of the late afternoon
and who... loves... the... sol? (we do)
Track Name: Back Hit
I'm sorry every time we meet I try to sweep you off your feet and end up drunk in the street

and I know that it is fake, making promises I'll break with tomorrow's headache

in my defence, it makes no sense that every friday evening
we go out to drink and shout and give our lives meaning
but who am I to have to try to break from the madness
and be destroyed by those annoyed I've escaped from the sadness?
Track Name: When The Tape Stops
you've had your headphones on
all day long
whilst we walk around the shops
I've been talking you've been listening
you've been listening I've been talking
but will you still listen
when the tape stops?

sat next to you on the bus
you're listening again
as we pass a hundred different bus stops
I've been talking you've been listening
you've been listening I've been talking
but will you still listen
when the tape stops?

I know you can't hear me
but I'm talking anyway
you'd rather listen to music
than what I have to say
but if you change your mind
you just might find
I'll brighten up your day

at the breakfast table
this is getting silly
you listen as you eat your coco pops
I've been talking you've been listening
you've been listening I've been talking
but will you still listen
when the tape stops?

I know you can't hear me
but I'm talking anyway
you'd rather listen to music
than what I have to say
but if you change your mind
you just might find
I'll brighten up your day
Track Name: Robot Son
on the 8th of july I'm adopting a robot son,
with a stainless steel face, glass eyes and iron lungs.
he's got pneumatic elbows and bionic hips,
he'll live in the garage, and I'll feed him microchips.

on the 3rd of september, I'll enrol him in school on the sun,
they'll teach him emotion, his devotion will be second to none.
we'll go on holidays, touring the milky way,
sleeping under new stars every day.

the neighbours will mock me when they find out what I've done...
they'll say it's not natural... but HE'S MY SON.
I know he's not flesh and bone, but I don't want to be alone.
I KNOW HE'S NOT FLESH AND BONE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

in seventy years, his battery will be fading,
but the love in his heart will never need upgrading.
if I'll still around then, I'll shed many tears when he's gone,
R.I.P. one zero zero one zero one one...

...my robot son.