The Greatest Invention Ever

by Lardpony

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1.
02:49
it's a full moon tonight, and I feel the hair on my skin growing thicker I try to fight the feeling but my heart just keeps beating quicker will I end up roaming the streets, and breaking my vow? because I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright now as the night wears on, I shut myself indoors and hope that these locks and chains can restrain the strength of this lycanthrope will I manage to escape my bonds, and go out on the prowl? because I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright now as the arises, I feel myself return to health but I carry a gun full of silver bullets to turn on myself if it all gets too much for my conscience to allow... because I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright now I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright now
2.
I met a girl, and her eyes shone I became convinced she was the one my hopes were high, but it manifested that she simply was not interested I didn't let myself get downhearted I went to the library, and got started I learned answer to every question and the power of suggestion I gazed at her and repeated some well rehearsed lines her eyes clouded over, and now she's mine I know this isn't love, this is hypnosis but I can't figure out how to reverse the process now our relationship is the best but I feel slightly guilty nonetheless I know I've got her under false pretenses but she should have kept up her psychic defenses I'm a bad person, I know I've trapped her I wish I'd read the final chapter so I went back to see what I'd missed I saw the librarian, and couldn't resist... I gazed at her and repeated some well rehearsed lines her eyes clouded over, and now she's mine I know this isn't love, this is hypnosis but I can't figure out how to reverse the process so now there are two; I must keep them apart I control their minds but not their hearts their paths finally crossed, we were watching a band.. I lost them both when I clapped my hands how was I to know the spell wouldn't linger if I started to applaud or clicked my fingers? so I learned my lesson, and I started to cry until the lead singer caught my eye... I gazed at her and repeated some well rehearsed lines her eyes clouded over, and now she's mine I know this isn't love, this is hypnosis but I can't figure out how to reverse the process
3.
02:19
He's a memory man Trying as hard as he can to fill his brain with notes But he finds the surprise is, no matter how hard he revises He forgets all he wrote... Say what you want to say, he won't remember anyway His memories just fade away, he can't recall the notes to play Say what you want to say, he won't remember anyway What goes on in the head of the memory man?
4.
02:19
Camera two, camera one. Do you revolve around the TV like Earth spins around the sun? You say you see things differently, Is that because you see things through a 28-inch screen. Camera three, camera four. You fall asleep watching repeats and then you wake for more? There's a film you'd like me to see You've committed all the dialogue to memory. Camera four, camera five. If this is all you get from life, are you really alive? Where's your energy? Where's your ambition? Is getting off the sofa an impossible mission? Camera six, camera seven. Is a day of television your idea of heaven? I'll have to disagree... It's not even worth the licence fee. Camera one, channel one. Camera two, channel two. Camera three, channel three. Camera four, channel four. Camera five, channel five. Camera six, channel six. Camera seven, channel seven. Camera hate.
5.
I made her out of yesterday's technology, stuff that didn't pass the test her heart oscillated wildly, until it burst out of her chest her eyes were valves and LEDs, but they were slightly faulty I never got to hold her hand, let alone anything more naughty she fell apart so slowly I didn't see what was going on until it was too late they said it was unholy they didn't know I loved her so until it was too late I followed all the diagrams, though they were complicated I had to substitute some parts when others disintegrated I had to do it on my own; I could accept no assistance I calculated all the voltages, but I forgot about resistance she fell apart so slowly I didn't see what was going on until it was too late they said it was unholy they didn't know I loved her so until it was too late and on and on and on, automaton
6.
04:37
I met a girl, I liked her face I added her to my myspace she said she didn't like my shoes I cried into my rucksack I liked the badges that she wore she shared my taste in emocore I bought a brand new cardigan but it was not enough and though this love was not requited I remember feeling quite excited when I bumped into her in a record shop and helped her pick up the CDs she'd dropped and though we both wore eyeliner and we both dressed in black I made 100 mixtapes... ...she never made one back
7.
you say that you love maths, well I predicted it when you tried to join the dots and drew a line of best fit you think in hexadecimal, which starts to explain why you put two and two together and got pi (3.14159) I've tried to use a compass to draw rings around your heart but you expressed the probability on a series of charts if I understand correctly, what you're trying to say is "no way, no way, no way". don't need to be good looking, don't need to be brave just need a calculator to ride this sine wave "rearrange your heart into the formula above" y = n... to the power of love I surround myself with textbooks in an attempt to appeal because I am so integer, you must know how I feel and if you show even a fraction of the feelings I display an array of sunshine will light up my day you say you'll never be the relationship kind but with calculus and algebra I hope to change your mind and as I wait counting prime numbers, the initial seeds are sowed with love notes written in binary code don't need to be good looking, don't need to be brave just need a calculator to ride this sine wave "rearrange your heart into the formula above" y = n... to the power of love
8.
feeling under the weather's no joke when the weather's this bad and I'm wondering whether I can blame the weather for making me feel so sad the hibernating instinct is kicking in no matter how early I go to bed I still feel like sleeping in when morning is broken you've got to be joking if alarm bells are starting to toll and it's hardly surprising the sun isn't rising cos who... loves... the... sol? (we do) when the sun creeps back into the sky I will open my eyes, and my window to let in the light and so I will forget how the freezing and wet winter season will return like it does every year. waking up when the morning's still dark is a horrible thing I can't wait for winter to die and make way for the rejuvenation of spring until then the spring in my step has been neutralised if this season's the reason for these unfair moodswings then I wouldn't be surprised the world feels so dead and I'm shaking my head as darkness is starting to fall in the premature gloom of the late afternoon and who... loves... the... sol? (we do)
9.
02:17
I'm sorry every time we meet I try to sweep you off your feet and end up drunk in the street and I know that it is fake, making promises I'll break with tomorrow's headache in my defence, it makes no sense that every friday evening we go out to drink and shout and give our lives meaning but who am I to have to try to break from the madness and be destroyed by those annoyed I've escaped from the sadness?
10.
you've had your headphones on all day long whilst we walk around the shops I've been talking you've been listening you've been listening I've been talking but will you still listen when the tape stops? sat next to you on the bus you're listening again as we pass a hundred different bus stops I've been talking you've been listening you've been listening I've been talking but will you still listen when the tape stops? I know you can't hear me but I'm talking anyway you'd rather listen to music than what I have to say but if you change your mind you just might find I'll brighten up your day at the breakfast table this is getting silly you listen as you eat your coco pops I've been talking you've been listening you've been listening I've been talking but will you still listen when the tape stops? I know you can't hear me but I'm talking anyway you'd rather listen to music than what I have to say but if you change your mind you just might find I'll brighten up your day
11.
03:29
on the 8th of july I'm adopting a robot son, with a stainless steel face, glass eyes and iron lungs. he's got pneumatic elbows and bionic hips, he'll live in the garage, and I'll feed him microchips. on the 3rd of september, I'll enrol him in school on the sun, they'll teach him emotion, his devotion will be second to none. we'll go on holidays, touring the milky way, sleeping under new stars every day. the neighbours will mock me when they find out what I've done... they'll say it's not natural... but HE'S MY SON. I know he's not flesh and bone, but I don't want to be alone. I KNOW HE'S NOT FLESH AND BONE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE. in seventy years, his battery will be fading, but the love in his heart will never need upgrading. if I'll still around then, I'll shed many tears when he's gone, R.I.P. one zero zero one zero one one... ...my robot son.
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about

Originally released on Cowboy Democracy recordings, April 2007.

credits

released April 16, 2007

Tom Morton: Vocals, Guitar, Keyboard, Programming
Nathan Wilson: Bass
Mandy McKirdy: Keyboards
Kristian Podhorodecki: Drums

Artwork by Raz Webster

Recorded at Snug Recording Co: www.snugrecording.com
Additional recording at Tom's house.
Mixed and mastered by Robin Newman.
Tracks 12 - 20: Recorded and mastered at home by Tom.

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about

Lardpony UK

Derbyshire indiepop band. Mostly defunct.

Tom - vocals, guitar
The Nathan - bass, thought
Pod - drums
Swap - keyboards, vocals

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