1. |
Finding Emo
02:29
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(instrumental)
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2. |
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I must apologise to you if I have been a drunken fool
I'm afraid it's been one of those days
I only came out for some food, then decided that it would be rude
Not to drink until my eyes were glazed
STRAIGHT OUT OF THE CROMPTON
I keep on stumbling to the bar, though conversation's growing hard
And everyone else is just arriving
I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow, but I'm sat in the corner full of sorrow
There's no way I'll be fit for driving
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3. |
Contains Mild Peril
01:56
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When you die, can I have your girl?
I'll make my move at your funeral
And as your family cry and mourn
I'll make her forget you were ever born
When you're gone will I be on the list?
I'm not trying to say I wish that you didn't exist
But lately you've been looking ill
There's no harm in including me in your will
Contains! Mild Peril!
Contains! Mild Peril!
Contains! Mild Peril!
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4. |
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I'm in love with a noxious gas
I like her face and I like her ass
She asked for marriage and I said "I will"
Then I breathed her in, now I'm seriously ill
I'm in love with a poisonous fume
Though we can never be in the same room
We went for a walk as the day was clear
She escaped into the atmosphere
I'm in love with a toxic mist
I trapped a wisp inside my fist
But she seeped into my pores
Now my skin is covered in weeping sores
My immunity is growing, my resistance is improved
I told my friends the way I felt, they seemed genuinely moved
I'm not a bit concerned when my losses are financial
I just wish my love could be a little more substantial
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I was trying to go vegetarian, but she spiked my meals with meat
And when I slept she placed real leather shoes upon my feet
I phoned up her father and said "I'd like to marry your daughter"
And he said "are you sure? She's the girl who loves slaughter"
I took her to a safari park, she smuggled in a gun
She said "take a potshot at that wolf, it's a world of fun"
I said I didn't want to, but she frowned and said "you oughta"
And that's when I got scared of the girl who loved slaughter
This story has a happy end, though I feared for my life
I managed to avoid her when she bought a carving knife
I don't know where she is now, but I hope the police caught her
And she's getting the treatment she deserves as a girl who loves slaughter
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6. |
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If the world ends and destroys all my friends
I want to share armageddon with you
We'll pick through the rubble and stay out of trouble
And start civilisation anew
We'll watch the nuclear sunset over what once was a town
or huddle under shelter as the acid rain falls down
We'll walk the streets and talk about the day the Earth vibrated
Remember how our friends and family were annihilated
Will you share my fantasy when the world is set aflame?
If we're the sole survivors, then will you feel the same?
I need to know the answer before I turn this key
And consign the entire human race to a place in history
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7. |
Super Bonus
02:02
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I first met you at the quiz machine
You touched my heart as you touched the screen
And together we inched towards a big cash prize.
Our knowledge seemed complementary
I knew pop music, you knew geography
But we ran out of time as I looked into your eyes.
That's the way it was meant to be
If only it hadn't been just a dream
I awoke with a start
Why does my subconscious keep breaking my heart?
I saw your face at the pool table
I tried to beat you but I was unable
We were perfectly matched, at least that's how it seemed
When the cue ball rolled out the door
We decided that we'd have to call it a draw
But we agreed we'd make a marvellous doubles team
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8. |
Wrong Side Of The Bar
01:24
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I see you nearly every day and wonder what you're thinking
You ask me if I'm being served, and if not, what I'm drinking
I wish our conversation could extend to higher things
But until then, mine's a pint of Carling
I quickly drain my glass and request it filled anew
I don't really want another pint, just an excuse to speak to you
"Same again", I say, but really inside I think
I like you more and more with every drink
I'd like to know you better, but I can't get very far
Because you're always on the wrong side of the bar
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9. |
My Portable Friend
02:50
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You're so very small, but you make the biggest sound
And time goes so much faster whenever you're around
You fit inside my pocket, warm snug and tight
I charge your batteries so we can rock all night
I pay no attention to the world around
When I'm lost in a world of digital sound
I love my walkman
I don't hear the traffic or notice the weather
Just as long as we are together
I love my walkman
You have so many functions, you can play at many speeds
I fill your sockets with only the best leads
I turn your volume up, loud inside my ears
I hold you close and you help me overcome my fears
I turn your volume up, loud inside my ears
I hold you close and you help me overcome my fears
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10. |
Sweetness of the Crab
02:10
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I don't know where they came from and I don't know why they came
The experiments they did made sure I'll never be the same
They said they wouldn't hurt me, they took me into space
I woke up hours later with sweat running down my face
I wondered, was I dreaming? But I could not explain
These scars upon my body and the blank spots in my brain
I don't remember drinking, I thought it would be best
If I consulted with the experts for a medical test
The doctor used a stethoscope and heard a ring tone
They replaced my heart with a mobile phone
And since the operation my body functions fine
But every time you text me, you send shivers down my spine
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I had a girlfriend but she died, she died
She had evil powers inside
She had voodoo in her head
So now I'm living with the living dead
I had a girlfriend but she died, she died
and now I'm married to a zombie bride
I had a girlfriend but she died, she died
and now I'm married to a zombie bride
I'm pleased to be the one she's chosen
Even though she's decomposing
The blood is still, within her veins
She likes to feast on human brains
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12. |
Catwatching
01:38
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Can't hide the fact I've got felines for you
From my window is the most amazing view
You commentate, I'll just spectate
We both know that catwatching is great
It gives me paws for thought, this twisting tail
I mark my territory without fail
But you still invade, you steal my shade
And a declaration of war is made
My back is arched, your teeth are bared
We're acting brave, but we're both scared
Can't hide the fact I've got felines for you
Hope one day you'll feel the same way too
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13. |
Self-Destruct With Me
01:52
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Let's forget how long we've waited to go and get intoxicated
And knock the sleep out of each other's eyes
Another night of reckless spending and maybe we can keep pretending
We don't need chemicals to socialise
You're a bad influence on me
We go for a drink and it turns into three (four, five six)
I just want a quiet drink, a nice relaxing beer
But the vodka flows like water when you're near
Now we're on the dancefloor, and everything is blurred
I don't even know this song but I'm singing every word
Ba ba ba ba da ba ba, ba ba da ba...
Ba ba ba da ba ba, ba da ba.
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14. |
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You vary as a function of time
You wake up in the morning and you always feel fine
But in the evening when the sun sets you begin to lose your mind
You vary as a function of time
Your mood sets a sinusoidal path
At lunchtime all I have to do is smile to see you laugh
but as your temper worsens I depict it on a graph
and your mood takes a sinusoidal path
There's a formula for your personality
y = (7n + 4) / 16t
Where t's the time and n is your proximity to me
There's a formula for your personality
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15. |
Scene But Not Heard
03:41
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You're boring and unpleasant, I can see it in your eyes
Did you think that your haircut would convince me otherwise?
I hear you're in a band, that must be great.
Do you spend more time writing songs or checking your outfits co-ordinate?
You should be scene but not heard
You should be scene but not heard
You should be scene but not heard
You should be scene but not...
Heard that you were going to be out on the town tonight
that's unless you sit at home on your own and cry
People like your face, they compliment your hair
But scratch the surface and there's absolutely nothing there
Heads turn as you walk into the room
As long as you're surrounded by your clique, clique, clique... boom!
I don't mean to sound bitter, but it's a shock
That you think you're something special when you're not
You take a lovely photo but you're wrong
If you think a hundred pictures is worth half as much as one good song
I wish I could pass off all your behaviour as a phase
But it's getting so much harder to be different nowadays
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16. |
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When I get lonely, once in a while
I'll think of you and start to smile
There's so many reasons to be sad
But does it have to be that bad?
To surround myself with a group of friends
Is to bring depression to an end
Yeah I know it's hard, I find it dazing
That everyone here is so amazing
So whenever you need an ego boost
Just ask me what I think of you
Because there isn't enough love in the world
Whenever I see a smiling face
I think how much I love this place
So wherever you go, no matter how far
Never forget how great you are
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17. |
Finding Emo (Stone Soup)
02:26
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25. |
Catwatching (4-Track)
01:49
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28. |
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Lardpony UK
Derbyshire indiepop band. Mostly defunct.
Tom - vocals, guitar
The Nathan - bass, thought
Pod - drums
Swap - keyboards, vocals
Lardpony recommends:
Lower Case Tall Stories
by themakingof
because it was secretly the best album of 2011
go to album
Abscond And Hey Presto!
by Mascot Fight
these long-time pals released their album on the same day, and it's fantastic!
go to album
Special Equations
by Vom Vorton
because it's what Lardpony would sound like if Tom successfully assassinated the other three
go to albumIf you like Lardpony, you may also like:
Melancholy meets melody on this classic-sounding indiepop LP released by Slumberland Records (who else?)
go to album
Burnt Palms/Sunset Swim split flexi 7"
by Burnt Palms/Sunset Swim
Optimistic indie-pop that's melancholy but sweet—available as a split single on limited edition flexi.
go to album
featured on Bandcamp Radio Mar 1, 2016
go to album
