This is Lardcore

by Lardpony

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This album was largely recorded in time shared with Mascot Fight at Snug and Stone Soup, over a fairly long period of time in 2006-7.


released April 17, 2006

Tom Morton: Vocals, Guitar
Nathan Wilson: Bass, Thought
Mandy McKirdy: Keyboards
Kristian Podhorodecki: Drums, Guitar

Artwork by Stephanie MacIntyre (front cover) and Rob Padley (booklet and back cover).

Recorded at Stone Soup Derby and Snug Recording Co, with Robin Newman.
Track 16 recorded at home by Tom.

Bonus tracks:
Tracks 17, 23, 26: Recorded at Stone Soup Nottingham
Track 18: Recorded at Stone Soup Derby
Tracks 19, 22, 25, 27, 28: Recorded in Tom's Bedroom
Tracks 20, 21, 24: Recorded at Green Lane Studio, University of Derby

Originally released by Mr & Mrs Moo Records.


all rights reserved



Lardpony UK

Derbyshire indiepop band. Mostly defunct.

Tom - vocals, guitar
The Nathan - bass, thought
Pod - drums
Swap - keyboards, vocals

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Track Name: Finding Emo
Track Name: Straight Out Of The Crompton
I must apologise to you if I have been a drunken fool
I'm afraid it's been one of those days
I only came out for some food, then decided that it would be rude
Not to drink until my eyes were glazed


I keep on stumbling to the bar, though conversation's growing hard
And everyone else is just arriving
I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow, but I'm sat in the corner full of sorrow
There's no way I'll be fit for driving
Track Name: Contains Mild Peril
When you die, can I have your girl?
I'll make my move at your funeral
And as your family cry and mourn
I'll make her forget you were ever born

When you're gone will I be on the list?
I'm not trying to say I wish that you didn't exist
But lately you've been looking ill
There's no harm in including me in your will

Contains! Mild Peril!
Contains! Mild Peril!
Contains! Mild Peril!
Track Name: I'm In Love (With a Noxious Gas)
I'm in love with a noxious gas
I like her face and I like her ass
She asked for marriage and I said "I will"
Then I breathed her in, now I'm seriously ill

I'm in love with a poisonous fume
Though we can never be in the same room
We went for a walk as the day was clear
She escaped into the atmosphere

I'm in love with a toxic mist
I trapped a wisp inside my fist
But she seeped into my pores
Now my skin is covered in weeping sores

My immunity is growing, my resistance is improved
I told my friends the way I felt, they seemed genuinely moved
I'm not a bit concerned when my losses are financial
I just wish my love could be a little more substantial
Track Name: The Girl Who Loved Slaughter
I was trying to go vegetarian, but she spiked my meals with meat
And when I slept she placed real leather shoes upon my feet
I phoned up her father and said "I'd like to marry your daughter"
And he said "are you sure? She's the girl who loves slaughter"

I took her to a safari park, she smuggled in a gun
She said "take a potshot at that wolf, it's a world of fun"
I said I didn't want to, but she frowned and said "you oughta"
And that's when I got scared of the girl who loved slaughter

This story has a happy end, though I feared for my life
I managed to avoid her when she bought a carving knife
I don't know where she is now, but I hope the police caught her
And she's getting the treatment she deserves as a girl who loves slaughter
Track Name: Post-Apocalyptic Love Song
If the world ends and destroys all my friends
I want to share armageddon with you
We'll pick through the rubble and stay out of trouble
And start civilisation anew

We'll watch the nuclear sunset over what once was a town
or huddle under shelter as the acid rain falls down
We'll walk the streets and talk about the day the Earth vibrated
Remember how our friends and family were annihilated

Will you share my fantasy when the world is set aflame?
If we're the sole survivors, then will you feel the same?
I need to know the answer before I turn this key
And consign the entire human race to a place in history
Track Name: Super Bonus
I first met you at the quiz machine
You touched my heart as you touched the screen
And together we inched towards a big cash prize.
Our knowledge seemed complementary
I knew pop music, you knew geography
But we ran out of time as I looked into your eyes.

That's the way it was meant to be
If only it hadn't been just a dream
I awoke with a start
Why does my subconscious keep breaking my heart?

I saw your face at the pool table
I tried to beat you but I was unable
We were perfectly matched, at least that's how it seemed
When the cue ball rolled out the door
We decided that we'd have to call it a draw
But we agreed we'd make a marvellous doubles team
Track Name: Wrong Side Of The Bar
I see you nearly every day and wonder what you're thinking
You ask me if I'm being served, and if not, what I'm drinking
I wish our conversation could extend to higher things
But until then, mine's a pint of Carling

I quickly drain my glass and request it filled anew
I don't really want another pint, just an excuse to speak to you
"Same again", I say, but really inside I think
I like you more and more with every drink

I'd like to know you better, but I can't get very far
Because you're always on the wrong side of the bar
Track Name: My Portable Friend
You're so very small, but you make the biggest sound
And time goes so much faster whenever you're around
You fit inside my pocket, warm snug and tight
I charge your batteries so we can rock all night

I pay no attention to the world around
When I'm lost in a world of digital sound
I love my walkman
I don't hear the traffic or notice the weather
Just as long as we are together
I love my walkman

You have so many functions, you can play at many speeds
I fill your sockets with only the best leads
I turn your volume up, loud inside my ears
I hold you close and you help me overcome my fears
I turn your volume up, loud inside my ears
I hold you close and you help me overcome my fears
Track Name: Sweetness of the Crab
I don't know where they came from and I don't know why they came
The experiments they did made sure I'll never be the same
They said they wouldn't hurt me, they took me into space
I woke up hours later with sweat running down my face

I wondered, was I dreaming? But I could not explain
These scars upon my body and the blank spots in my brain
I don't remember drinking, I thought it would be best
If I consulted with the experts for a medical test

The doctor used a stethoscope and heard a ring tone
They replaced my heart with a mobile phone
And since the operation my body functions fine
But every time you text me, you send shivers down my spine
Track Name: Zombie Bride
I had a girlfriend but she died, she died
She had evil powers inside
She had voodoo in her head
So now I'm living with the living dead

I had a girlfriend but she died, she died
and now I'm married to a zombie bride
I had a girlfriend but she died, she died
and now I'm married to a zombie bride

I'm pleased to be the one she's chosen
Even though she's decomposing
The blood is still, within her veins
She likes to feast on human brains
Track Name: Catwatching
Can't hide the fact I've got felines for you
From my window is the most amazing view
You commentate, I'll just spectate
We both know that catwatching is great

It gives me paws for thought, this twisting tail
I mark my territory without fail
But you still invade, you steal my shade
And a declaration of war is made

My back is arched, your teeth are bared
We're acting brave, but we're both scared
Can't hide the fact I've got felines for you
Hope one day you'll feel the same way too
Track Name: Self-Destruct With Me
Let's forget how long we've waited to go and get intoxicated
And knock the sleep out of each other's eyes
Another night of reckless spending and maybe we can keep pretending
We don't need chemicals to socialise

You're a bad influence on me
We go for a drink and it turns into three (four, five six)
I just want a quiet drink, a nice relaxing beer
But the vodka flows like water when you're near

Now we're on the dancefloor, and everything is blurred
I don't even know this song but I'm singing every word
Ba ba ba ba da ba ba, ba ba da ba...
Ba ba ba da ba ba, ba da ba.
Track Name: You Vary as a Function of Time
You vary as a function of time
You wake up in the morning and you always feel fine
But in the evening when the sun sets you begin to lose your mind
You vary as a function of time

Your mood sets a sinusoidal path
At lunchtime all I have to do is smile to see you laugh
but as your temper worsens I depict it on a graph
and your mood takes a sinusoidal path

There's a formula for your personality
y = (7n + 4) / 16t
Where t's the time and n is your proximity to me
There's a formula for your personality
Track Name: Scene But Not Heard
You're boring and unpleasant, I can see it in your eyes
Did you think that your haircut would convince me otherwise?
I hear you're in a band, that must be great.
Do you spend more time writing songs or checking your outfits co-ordinate?

You should be scene but not heard
You should be scene but not heard
You should be scene but not heard
You should be scene but not...
Heard that you were going to be out on the town tonight
that's unless you sit at home on your own and cry

People like your face, they compliment your hair
But scratch the surface and there's absolutely nothing there
Heads turn as you walk into the room
As long as you're surrounded by your clique, clique, clique... boom!

I don't mean to sound bitter, but it's a shock
That you think you're something special when you're not
You take a lovely photo but you're wrong
If you think a hundred pictures is worth half as much as one good song

I wish I could pass off all your behaviour as a phase
But it's getting so much harder to be different nowadays
Track Name: There Isn't Enough Love In The World
When I get lonely, once in a while
I'll think of you and start to smile
There's so many reasons to be sad
But does it have to be that bad?
To surround myself with a group of friends
Is to bring depression to an end
Yeah I know it's hard, I find it dazing
That everyone here is so amazing

So whenever you need an ego boost
Just ask me what I think of you
Because there isn't enough love in the world

Whenever I see a smiling face
I think how much I love this place
So wherever you go, no matter how far
Never forget how great you are

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