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This is Lardcore

by Lardpony

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Finding Emo 02:29
I must apologise to you if I have been a drunken fool I'm afraid it's been one of those days I only came out for some food, then decided that it would be rude Not to drink until my eyes were glazed STRAIGHT OUT OF THE CROMPTON I keep on stumbling to the bar, though conversation's growing hard And everyone else is just arriving I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow, but I'm sat in the corner full of sorrow There's no way I'll be fit for driving
When you die, can I have your girl? I'll make my move at your funeral And as your family cry and mourn I'll make her forget you were ever born When you're gone will I be on the list? I'm not trying to say I wish that you didn't exist But lately you've been looking ill There's no harm in including me in your will Contains! Mild Peril! Contains! Mild Peril! Contains! Mild Peril!
I'm in love with a noxious gas I like her face and I like her ass She asked for marriage and I said "I will" Then I breathed her in, now I'm seriously ill I'm in love with a poisonous fume Though we can never be in the same room We went for a walk as the day was clear She escaped into the atmosphere I'm in love with a toxic mist I trapped a wisp inside my fist But she seeped into my pores Now my skin is covered in weeping sores My immunity is growing, my resistance is improved I told my friends the way I felt, they seemed genuinely moved I'm not a bit concerned when my losses are financial I just wish my love could be a little more substantial
I was trying to go vegetarian, but she spiked my meals with meat And when I slept she placed real leather shoes upon my feet I phoned up her father and said "I'd like to marry your daughter" And he said "are you sure? She's the girl who loves slaughter" I took her to a safari park, she smuggled in a gun She said "take a potshot at that wolf, it's a world of fun" I said I didn't want to, but she frowned and said "you oughta" And that's when I got scared of the girl who loved slaughter This story has a happy end, though I feared for my life I managed to avoid her when she bought a carving knife I don't know where she is now, but I hope the police caught her And she's getting the treatment she deserves as a girl who loves slaughter
If the world ends and destroys all my friends I want to share armageddon with you We'll pick through the rubble and stay out of trouble And start civilisation anew We'll watch the nuclear sunset over what once was a town or huddle under shelter as the acid rain falls down We'll walk the streets and talk about the day the Earth vibrated Remember how our friends and family were annihilated Will you share my fantasy when the world is set aflame? If we're the sole survivors, then will you feel the same? I need to know the answer before I turn this key And consign the entire human race to a place in history
Super Bonus 02:02
I first met you at the quiz machine You touched my heart as you touched the screen And together we inched towards a big cash prize. Our knowledge seemed complementary I knew pop music, you knew geography But we ran out of time as I looked into your eyes. That's the way it was meant to be If only it hadn't been just a dream I awoke with a start Why does my subconscious keep breaking my heart? I saw your face at the pool table I tried to beat you but I was unable We were perfectly matched, at least that's how it seemed When the cue ball rolled out the door We decided that we'd have to call it a draw But we agreed we'd make a marvellous doubles team
I see you nearly every day and wonder what you're thinking You ask me if I'm being served, and if not, what I'm drinking I wish our conversation could extend to higher things But until then, mine's a pint of Carling I quickly drain my glass and request it filled anew I don't really want another pint, just an excuse to speak to you "Same again", I say, but really inside I think I like you more and more with every drink I'd like to know you better, but I can't get very far Because you're always on the wrong side of the bar
You're so very small, but you make the biggest sound And time goes so much faster whenever you're around You fit inside my pocket, warm snug and tight I charge your batteries so we can rock all night I pay no attention to the world around When I'm lost in a world of digital sound I love my walkman I don't hear the traffic or notice the weather Just as long as we are together I love my walkman You have so many functions, you can play at many speeds I fill your sockets with only the best leads I turn your volume up, loud inside my ears I hold you close and you help me overcome my fears I turn your volume up, loud inside my ears I hold you close and you help me overcome my fears
I don't know where they came from and I don't know why they came The experiments they did made sure I'll never be the same They said they wouldn't hurt me, they took me into space I woke up hours later with sweat running down my face I wondered, was I dreaming? But I could not explain These scars upon my body and the blank spots in my brain I don't remember drinking, I thought it would be best If I consulted with the experts for a medical test The doctor used a stethoscope and heard a ring tone They replaced my heart with a mobile phone And since the operation my body functions fine But every time you text me, you send shivers down my spine
Zombie Bride (free) 01:50
I had a girlfriend but she died, she died She had evil powers inside She had voodoo in her head So now I'm living with the living dead I had a girlfriend but she died, she died and now I'm married to a zombie bride I had a girlfriend but she died, she died and now I'm married to a zombie bride I'm pleased to be the one she's chosen Even though she's decomposing The blood is still, within her veins She likes to feast on human brains
Catwatching 01:38
Can't hide the fact I've got felines for you From my window is the most amazing view You commentate, I'll just spectate We both know that catwatching is great It gives me paws for thought, this twisting tail I mark my territory without fail But you still invade, you steal my shade And a declaration of war is made My back is arched, your teeth are bared We're acting brave, but we're both scared Can't hide the fact I've got felines for you Hope one day you'll feel the same way too
Let's forget how long we've waited to go and get intoxicated And knock the sleep out of each other's eyes Another night of reckless spending and maybe we can keep pretending We don't need chemicals to socialise You're a bad influence on me We go for a drink and it turns into three (four, five six) I just want a quiet drink, a nice relaxing beer But the vodka flows like water when you're near Now we're on the dancefloor, and everything is blurred I don't even know this song but I'm singing every word Ba ba ba ba da ba ba, ba ba da ba... Ba ba ba da ba ba, ba da ba.
You vary as a function of time You wake up in the morning and you always feel fine But in the evening when the sun sets you begin to lose your mind You vary as a function of time Your mood sets a sinusoidal path At lunchtime all I have to do is smile to see you laugh but as your temper worsens I depict it on a graph and your mood takes a sinusoidal path There's a formula for your personality y = (7n + 4) / 16t Where t's the time and n is your proximity to me There's a formula for your personality
You're boring and unpleasant, I can see it in your eyes Did you think that your haircut would convince me otherwise? I hear you're in a band, that must be great. Do you spend more time writing songs or checking your outfits co-ordinate? You should be scene but not heard You should be scene but not heard You should be scene but not heard You should be scene but not... Heard that you were going to be out on the town tonight that's unless you sit at home on your own and cry People like your face, they compliment your hair But scratch the surface and there's absolutely nothing there Heads turn as you walk into the room As long as you're surrounded by your clique, clique, clique... boom! I don't mean to sound bitter, but it's a shock That you think you're something special when you're not You take a lovely photo but you're wrong If you think a hundred pictures is worth half as much as one good song I wish I could pass off all your behaviour as a phase But it's getting so much harder to be different nowadays
When I get lonely, once in a while I'll think of you and start to smile There's so many reasons to be sad But does it have to be that bad? To surround myself with a group of friends Is to bring depression to an end Yeah I know it's hard, I find it dazing That everyone here is so amazing So whenever you need an ego boost Just ask me what I think of you Because there isn't enough love in the world Whenever I see a smiling face I think how much I love this place So wherever you go, no matter how far Never forget how great you are


This album was largely recorded in time shared with Mascot Fight at Snug and Stone Soup, over a fairly long period of time in 2006-7.


released April 17, 2006

Tom Morton: Vocals, Guitar
Nathan Wilson: Bass, Thought
Mandy McKirdy: Keyboards
Kristian Podhorodecki: Drums, Guitar

Artwork by Stephanie MacIntyre (front cover) and Rob Padley (booklet and back cover).

Recorded at Stone Soup Derby and Snug Recording Co, with Robin Newman.
Track 16 recorded at home by Tom.

Bonus tracks:
Tracks 17, 23, 26: Recorded at Stone Soup Nottingham
Track 18: Recorded at Stone Soup Derby
Tracks 19, 22, 25, 27, 28: Recorded in Tom's Bedroom
Tracks 20, 21, 24: Recorded at Green Lane Studio, University of Derby

Originally released by Mr & Mrs Moo Records.


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Lardpony UK

Derbyshire indiepop band. Mostly defunct.

Tom - vocals, guitar
The Nathan - bass, thought
Pod - drums
Swap - keyboards, vocals

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