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Cheers, All The Best

by Lardpony

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you question my commitment, I dismiss it with a shrug can you not feel the emotion in my fortnightly hug? am I not attentive, do I not smile and nod? I have to say, I find your uncertainty odd! there so many questions with my conscience I am wrestling but if I don't love you then why did I get this temporary tattoo? is a delivery of flowers, every month, rain or shine not enough to prove that I like you just fine? I will raise the valleys and prolong the peaks with ink on my skin that lasts up to six weeks what more can I do? I'm so in love with you so to prove you're special I've stenciled your initials on my aaaaaaaaaarm
sir, there's no time for a holiday we need to scout for locations we need the perfect time and place for maximum devastation you've got a busy calendar I'm having to turn people away you've got meetings scheduled for the rest of the week and you're blowing yourself up on saturday when I joined the agency I said yes to admin but I never thought I'd work for a certified madman when I asked for a temp job I never planned for this I'm the secretary of a terrorist sir, I'm doing my best here to keep all your appointments in order but it's taking all my organisational skill to get explosives over the border I'm being paid cash in hand not to divulge the things you planned I feel I should quit before it's too late but the overtime is fucking great
rumours pass from mouth to mouth in this coastal town they say there's something in the ocean dragging our ships down they say that boats going out have not been returning although the lighthouse keeper keeps his fire burning the fleet is depleted, so supplies run low wives run out to the harbour begging husbands not to go people lose their scruples, turn to contraband and every morning they find more blood on the sand sharpen your cutlass, test your guns you're married to the ocean from now on arm the cannons, and load the horses when this ship goes down, it won't be natural causes as the ship sails south, the mood is defiant the crew long for a chance to take down a giant the timbers are sturdy and the men are tough but if the air is still, why is the water so rough? though the water roars, there's no wind today the sail fails to flutter, no chance to get away as a dozen massive tentacles emerge from the waves it looks like this crew is headed for a watery grave harpoons do nothing, cannons don't impress no amount of gunpowder can free us from this mess take the lifeboats, cross your fingers, this will be our last trip what kind of captain doesn't go down with his ship?
nothing makes my heart flutter and stop like a couple of hours in a stationery shop and nothing on earth makes me feel finer than the chance to purchase a new fineliner when I leave at the end with a bag full of pens some glue, some stencils and a mechanical pencil I know I'll be back for a pack of blu-tack some paint, blue and green and a guillotine I'll create some art and win your heart (scissors and glue will endear me to you) I'll make you a card and win your heart these coloured letters make everything better nothing makes my heart swell up so large as collecting materials for a collage and there's no finer thing to inspire the creator than the possibility in a stack of blank paper when I walk out the door having emptied the store of glitter and sketchbooks I can't believe my luck when I finally get home I call you on the phone and explain my ideas for this pack of pipe-cleaners
Flipside 03:57
I will point out the upside to your unfortunate state yes, you've got no energy but tomorrow you can sleep late! and you've got no money which irks you greatly! but you've picked up a load of cool stuff lately baby, you're a frowner queen of the furrowed brow yes you are a downer! and it must stop... now! I will find the expression that will lift you from depression let me check my files for something that will make you smile if the cat stopped you sleeping by purring in your face at least he makes up for it by being generally ace and if last night's dinner left you feeling nauseous at least when we ate it it was delicious I will be your flipside the optimism you lack because I know that opposites attract!
she's got a face like an android so how should I know what she is feeling? she's got a face like an android, what emotions is she concealing? she says the heart that beats inside her chest is just the same as all the rest but she's got a face like an android so how should I know? she says she's having a good time, but I remain a skeptic she blinks every twelve seconds, her tears are antiseptic her hair is always perfect, though she never stops to groom does her pulse even quicken when I enter the room? she's got a photographic memory; no indiscretion escapes it's like she backs it all up on a succession of tapes but I won't ask questions... I'll let the truth slide android or not, I'm happy when she's by my side she never frowns, she never smiles I swear I hear her brain hum when she's accessing her files is she human? is she machine? I caught her using my computer without turning on the screen
When you made me a sandwich I’ll admit I was quite pleased Branston pickle And a thick wedge of cheese But the secret ingredient the twist to yout recipe Is now flooding through my veins And you’ve decided to flee I know we’ve fallen out But I’m leaving you a note Begging you to get in touch ‘cos you’ve got the antidote And if I called you a moron Then I feel I was provoked Please drop me a line Because you’ve got the antidote My hands are swollen And my face is turning green There’s a stabbing pain in the region of my spleen I’ve lost my hearing And my sense of smell Overall, I’d say I’m feeling Rather unwell


Our last set of recordings, done in May and June 2013 at the Snug Recording Co, plus some bits at Tom's opulent Matlock penthouse.


released November 18, 2013

Lyrics by Tom Morton, music by Lardpony.

Vocals, Guitar, Keyboard: Tom Morton
Keyboard, Vocals: Swap Chilka
Bass, Trains: Nathan Wilson
Drums, Planes: Kristian Podhorodecki
Cat: Henry

Recording: Rich Collins and Robbie Newman

Artwork: Alexander Hale


all rights reserved



Lardpony UK

Derbyshire indiepop band. Mostly defunct.

Tom - vocals, guitar
The Nathan - bass, thought
Pod - drums
Swap - keyboards, vocals

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